Aquarius:Jan 20 - Feb 18:AQ:You will stop to help someone whose car has broken down on the freeway. You will discover, to your utter astonishment, that this person is no relation to you whatsoever. This unrelated and ungrateful person will pull a gun on you and steal your SUV.
Pisces:Feb 19 - Mar 20:PI:Your child is beginning to show signs of genius. He's managed to knit an afghan using nothing but rubber bands and his fingers. Just when you decide he's truly gifted, he'll go into a state of catatonic stupor while nonstop games on his PC.
Aries:Mar 21 - Apr 19:AR:You will receive the long-cherished desire of your heart, which will fill you with joy. I wish I knew the feeling. I'd like to get the rooster Beanie Baby in a Happy Meal too.
Taurus:Apr 20 - May 20:TA:Your quest for a faster link to the Internet will be rewarded when your local phone company starts offering FIOS in your community. It won't be available on your block until 2031.
Gemini:May 21 - Jun 21:GE:You will be utterly disillusioned to discover that the really cool news guy on your favorite radio morning show isn't even in the same building as the funny guys. He works for some goofy outsource provider and does news on three other stations using different names. The spell will be broken and you'll have to go back to watching CNN in the morning. Yuck.
Cancer:Jan 20 - Feb 18:CA:While installing the Microsoft security update on your laptop, you will discover that all the characters on your computer have changed to Korean fonts. Microsoft technical support will be very helpful, but you won't be able to read their e-mail because \u4ec5 \u4ef4 \u4eb9 \u4ea4 \u4e51 \u4e6f \u4e9e...
Leo:Jul 23 - Aug 22:LE:Did you know you can make delicious fat-free vegan sausage gravy using Schilling Country Gravy Mix and sausage-flavored seitan (wheat gluten)? You're feeling just so healthy and politically correct until you discover that the refrigerator biscuits you're putting it on are flavored with beef fat.
Virgo:Aug 23 - Sep 22:VI:There's a crinkle in your karma that will result in an unusual family configuration. After your tragic death (did I let that out of the bag?), you'll be reincarnated as your own grandson and you'll have to listen to all the crap his mother (your daughter) picked up from you. Sorry, but you deserve it.
Libra:Sep 23 - Oct 23:LI:While sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper, you'll read an investigative story about how human ashes were unintentionally dumped into some brands of generic supermarket cereal. You'll read this about your third mouthful of Jolly-O's.
Scorpio:Oct 24 - Nov 21:SC:I don't want to be the one to break this news to you, but there's a video tape of Terms of Endearment between your couch cushions that's been there since 1994. The Blockbuster Video store you rented it from isn't even there anymore, but they've gone way past late fees. They've now opened a contact on you and there's an assassination squad on the way. When they catch you, you can save your neck if you utter the magic phrase: 'Please be kind -- rewind.'
Sagittarius:Nov 22 - Dec 21:SA:The most important opportunity of your life will come down to whether you can remember if Plainview is in Nassau County or Suffolk County on Long Island. You should have paid attention in geography class at John F. Kennedy High School.
Capricorn:Dec 22 - Jan 19:CP:You can fix the paint sprayer if you'll just take it apart and replace the little wire filter inside the spray nozzle. Didn't even know there was one there, didja? By the way, that color you thought was beige actually looks pink. What do you expect from a kid who's been mixing paint for three weeks at Home Depot?