Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear all right until you hear them speak. 
He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 
A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. (look it up) 
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
Pardon my driving, I am reloading 
Despite the cost of living have you noticed how it remains so popular? 
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented  fool. 
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the  world end to end, some one would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 
You can't have everything-where would you put it? 
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. 
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! 
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. 
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it. 
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough get out of jury duty. 
Coldbeer is one word. 
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor. 
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when they're winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why are they called APARTments, when they're all stuck together?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do scientists call it REsearch when looking for something new?
Why do we put SUITS in a garment bag and put garments in a SUITcase?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How do I set my laser pointer on stun?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game,"when we are already there?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Guys have feelings too.  But like...who cares?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
Do NOT start with me.  You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested.  I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Ahhh ...  I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
How about never?  Is never good for you?
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable ...  time to up my medication.
My toys!  My toys!  I can't do this job without my toys!
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
How the Hell did I get this Old?
Bates Motel... Vacancy
Humpty Dumpty, Did he fall or was he pushed?
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I'm sorry my fault. I forgot you were an idiot.
You're just jealous that the voices talk to me.
5 out of 4 poeple have a problem with fractions.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
50? I demand a recount!
Next time try NOT being yourself.
I wish the buck stopped here I could use a few.
All I have to do is win the lottery.
Beer today Lawn tomorrow
Normal people scare me
I support the three food groups.. 1) Keg 2) Bottle 3) Can
To save time let's assume I know everything.
Sarcasm is just one more free service we offer
I'm back by popular demand
The more I drink the more I know
I am not a Pack Rat...I am a Collector!
The Church says the world is flat. But I know the world is round, for I have seen the shadow of the Moon and I have more faith in a shadow than in the Church - Ferdinand Magellan
You have the right to remain silent...do so!
Untied Dyslexic Church of Dog
Misspellers of the world Untie! 
The people who cast the vote count for nothing.  The people who count the vote decide everything - Josef Stalin
Even a single lamp dispels darkness - Gandhi
Well-behaved women rarely make history
Not all who wonder are lost
I speak fluent Patriarchy, but it is not my mother tongue
Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt
Why be Normal?
I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
We took the Indians land, divvied it up amonst ourselves and distributed televisions so we could watch documentaries about Indians
In a partcipatory Universe there are no neutral observers
Imagination is more important than knowledge - Albert Einstein
Breath in, Breath out, repeat
UFO's are real the Air Force does not exist
Only you and prevent NARCISSISM
You're not the boss of me
I can't go to work today, the voices told me to stay home and clean the guns
Confucius say: That was not Chicken!
Confidence: a feeling peculiar to the stage just before full comprehension of the problem. 
Asking dumb questions is easier than fixing dumb mistakes. 
The real money is in starting your own religion. --L. Ron Hubbard 
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 
If it doesn't work, expand it. 
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart. 
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 
You live and learn. Or you don't live long. 
Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is composed of gods. 
Any given program, when running, needs debugging. Any debugged program is obsolete. 
I am the Electric Messiah; an AC/DC god. 
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. 
If you're looking for trouble, I brought enough for everybody 
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. 
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley; LSD and BSD Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on 
The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on 
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 
Drive defensively; buy a tank
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends. 
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person. 
Brain fried -- Core dumped 
Darwin's Law of Carcinogens: Cancer cures smoking. 
If at first you don't succeed, try following the instructions. 
It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn't it? 
I'm descended from a line my mother listened to. 
Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care. 
Two monologues do not make a dialogue. 
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. 
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 
Stop, or I'll say stop again! 
Sex is not the answer; Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 
Being good at being stupid doesn't count. 
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary. 
Dying can be hazardous to your health. 
I saw that! And I'm telling your mother! 
Ban Censorship!
Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles. 
Question Authority -- and the authorities will question you. 
There's someone in my head, but it's not me 
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. 
Asking dumb questions is easier than fixing dumb mistakes. 
I'm not as think as you stoned I am. 
If something is confidential, it'll be left in the copier. 
Never try to outstubborn a cat. 
I haven't lost my mind; it's back up on tape somewhere. 
Disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. 
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables! 
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to. 
Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota. 
Anything I do is purely coincidental. 
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. 
Make headlines! Use a cordoroy pillow! 
Refuse Novacaine... Transcend Dental Medication. 
Quote of the moment:
My desk is final proof of Chaos theory.... 
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!